jilliganzisland: March 2014

Our grandparents knew each other. Our parents grew up together.
He remembers me on a little tricycle.
I remember him playing volleyball.
Basically, we've known each other our whole lives.

Jake is a few years older than me so he just saw me as another little kid...until I got to high school. He came to the beach with my family the summer before I graduated from high school and we had a lot of fun. That summer we watched the X Games and scrubbed huge gasoline tanks and realized we really liked being around each other. In January of 2009, I went to college and we enjoyed talking on the phone and hanging out whenever we could. By the end of that semester though, our relationship had fizzled out. We never really made a decision to stop hanging out and being together. It was just a natural separation that happened because we were 3 hours apart; he had finished college and I was just beginning. It was good for both of us and we were OK with that.

Over the next two years we saw each other occasionally, acted like we couldn't stand each other, & sneaked a kiss here and there. He'd always stop by when he was in Lynchburg. I'd see him every summer. He wanted to get back together. I was still loving college and meeting new people...so I didn't.

Until the summer of 2011. Something clicked and I realized that I loved the boy & there wasn't a single guy out there that I'd rather be with than Jacob. And that was also the summer he started a relationship with another girl and told me that he was choosing her over me. So the summer I realized I loved Jacob was the summer my heart was broken into a million pieces. I'd never known what that was like before but it was physically painful and mentally draining and just straight up awful. I'd see him a few times over the next two years but I did my best to avoid him, knowing what would happen to my heart.

I tried to talk to him, tell him how I felt. But he refused. He was in love with someone else. So I moved on as well. I dated for fun, tried dating one of my best friends, then I met a man and fell hard super fast. He was nothing like Jacob. I never even mentioned Jacob to him because I wanted that all to be forgotten. It was no use to bring up those feelings and the story when we were both in love with other people. I got engaged...planned to spend my life with someone so unlike Jacob.

Then one Monday, 12 days before my wedding, Jacob showed up at my house. He was nervous and I was confused. He'd broken up with his girlfriend. He told me about it. Explained to me that at first it was easy to forget about me but as time went on I still kept coming up. In memories, in songs, in seeing mutual friends. I was about to marry someone I'd known for 7 months. Jacob shared his experience saying that after being married for 2 years how awful it would be if he was the one still in all my thoughts.

We thought we could choose to love other people. We tried & we did. We fell in love with great people and had great relationships with those people. But when it came down to it, we couldn't get over each other. Jacob had wanted to, fell in love, had the longest relationship of his life. I hadn't wanted to, moved on reluctantly, and was pleasantly surprised when I was able to love another man so deeply.

Looking back, we don't know why things happened the way they did. We understand that we made choices and we live with the consequences. We had to break the hearts of two people we loved and that was one of the hardest things we've ever done. We had to take a chance on each other because it had been years since we had actually spent time together. Our desire to be together could have just been fantasies in our heads, maybe we weren't as compatible as we had imagined all those years.

We took the advice of our families and friends and spent the next 7 months getting to know each other and spending as much time together as we could. Through tough times and confusion and frustration we have found joy and happiness and fun unlike any we knew before choosing each other. We have fallen more in love than we ever could have imagined and we are crazy about each other like we didn't think possible.

That is why Jacob Alan Trout took me to The Greenbrier for dinner, laughed with me, took pictures with me, and sat with me on the tailgate of his truck out in front of the resort. That is why he pulled out a rose, kissed me, got down on one knee, and pulled out a little black box from his coat pocket. Though it was 6 years in the making, it was perfect timing and I couldn't have written it any better. I said YES, and agreed to the most unpredictable future with my best friend by my side.

Even after all that, I can honestly say that I don't understand love. It's confusing and messy and wild and risky. What I do know is this, I can love only because Jesus first loved me. He is my Rock and He is always working for my good and His glory. He's the only One worth clinging to. Having my heart broken by the man who will vow to love me for eternity just reminds me to hold so lightly to this world.

This, dear friends, is not the end of my story but the beginning. Now life begins with the one who my heart was made to love. I hope it encourages you to not give up on love, to trust your heart, to be willing to risk everything if necessary. And above all, to put your faith in a God who is sovereign. I tell ya, His plans are way better than yours & mine. His ways are so much higher and we can hardly wrap our tiny brains around all that He has planned for us. That's why with Him, every day is truly an adventure...