God might not be enough.

I sat at church tonight face to face with a scary realization. I don't know if God is enough for me. It's easy to say that He is. If anybody would ask me if I thought He was enough I would give a big hearty 'yes' without any hesitation. Of course He's enough, He's GOD. I know that I'm not sure He's enough for me because of the way I've been living. 

I've graduated from college. 
I'm living at home. 
And I'm a substitute teacher every once in awhile.
 I'm in this transition season of life and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. On days I substitute, I love it. I love LCA, mainly because I love the kids. And of course my PE friends. But on the days I don't go there, I'm depressed. I stay in my room, leaving only to make coffee and eat a banana. I read; I sleep. And I'm not happy. I want to teach PE. I want to teach anything. I want to inspire kids and laugh with them through high school. I want to coach. I want to talk to kids about Lance Armstrong and teach them the thousands of morals that come from his story about sports and winning and lying and cheating. I want a job that requires me to wake up early and come home tired. 

But I don't have any of that. So I'm sad. Why? Because God is not enough for me. And that breaks my heart. He's opening my eyes to see that even though I don't have any of those things what I do have is unlimited time to sit alone with Him. 

I can see now that the Lord, in His goodness, has prepared these days for me. I need to understand that He truly is enough. Because to know that Jesus is enough is to know Jesus. I've previously testified to and declared it because I've known it to be true. But now it's time for me to know it on a deeper level. 

 So even though I have no job, no independence, no man pursuing me, no credit, no five year plan...I have Jesus. & the hope that He could be enough.