so much pain

Tragedy seems to be a part of every day life now. We not only hear stories on the news of bad things happening but we actually know these people to whom bad things are happening. I know children with cancer and adults who have had to deal with the deaths of their (supposed-to-be lifelong) spouses. A family I know had their house robbed while they were away for the holidays. Still yet there are global issues such as hunger and sex slavery and war. It's overwhelming. And it's tempting to ask where God is in all of it. Many people, including those who have a relationship with God, beg to know why it's all happening. Can't He just stop it all? Doesn't He care? Why doesn't He step in and do something? Is He not good? Is He not loving? 

I discovered this song this morning. As I was looking for the lyrics I came upon the artist's blog and an explanation of the song. Below is the song and an excerpt from his blog.

"In the Scriptures, even when pressed by Job, God never gives a philosophically satisfactory answer to the ‘problem of evil;’ He does not wrap up the issue in an understandable and graspable package. Instead, and many years later through Christ, God offers the only response I’ve ever found to be satisfying on any level; the sacrificial action of the Cross. Certainly, there are philosophical implications to the Cross of Christ but they are peripheral to the act itself. It seems to me me that the pain in you is not so much a matter of philosophical crisis as it is a call to to suffer with those who suffer and to do so redemptively. I believe the philosophical crisis is real, but I believe the latter is more vital. Both offer a path of suffering: you will either suffer internally because you cannot make sense of the world and it’s Creator, or you will suffer in a way that brings healing."

Justin McRoberts Blog

These people suffering are His children. And because of this, He provided a way to bring hope. He sent His only Son to die so that we could be saved from this deep despair. If you believe this, and you know the One who is life, then you must offer this to the hurting people around you. We can suffer because He too suffered. And even better, we can rejoice in victory because He rejoices in victory that evil and death have already been conquered. Cry and hurt and grieve knowing that it can all be redeemed at the foot of the cross. 

deep and wide

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't get a degree in something that would land me a job that paid the big bucks. I loved numbers, algebra, and problem-solving growing up. Why didn't I go into business or engineering? I love people. I could have been a physical therapist or a nurse. 

Why did I spend four years passionate about a profession that 8 out of 10 people think is a joke? I feel as though I'll spend half of my career defending health & physical education and the other half actually teaching kids about it. But I read a tweet from Lecrae the other day and I remembered exactly why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place...

"Fight for depth in life, not just breadth. What good is it to be a million miles wide but only an inch deep?"

I realized that while professional athletes make more money in a year than I'll probably make in my entire life...they're busy getting wide. They reach hundreds of thousands of people, yes. The majority of whom they will never meet. Strangers have their names written on jerseys and pictures and Facebook cover photos.

Engineers create buildings and ideas that will reach and accommodate thousands of people as well. Businessmen deal with numbers and clients on a shallow basis. Dentists and doctors put up with you when they have to, but usually they have 10 other people to see in the next hour. "...a million miles wide..."

On the other hand, teachers go deep. They care and mentor and encourage and love more than you can ever imagine. Sometimes they're so busy being moms and dads for students they hardly have time to be a parent for their own children. They believe in students who don't even know what it's like to have someone cheer them on in this tough thing called life. 

When I started teaching I was prepared to explain to my students how to throw and catch. I could handle teaching kids how to skip and gallop and juggle. When I started teaching high schoolers I was even prepared to teach them how to play flag football and what BEEF stands for when shooting a basketball. What I wasn't prepared for was how to console a student whose mom died after a 13 year battle with cancer. I didn't know how to treat 16 year old girls who had been beaten and abandoned. And I certainly couldn't help girls so lost in self-esteem issues when I have struggled so much with that myself.

Yes, college prepared me to teach health and physical education. But it wasn't so great at preparing me to teach students. 

So as I lay in my bed at 9pm on a Friday night, so exhausted from a week of teaching, I am realizing that teaching is so much than that. It's about caring and loving and praying, really praying, for you students. It's about going deep. 

rescued

Have you ever been rescued?

I found myself in a rescue-worthy situation today. Student teaching with a substitute is a lot more difficult and terrible than it sounds. Trust me. I knew it was gonna be a long day when she got lost (who knows where) with half of my 6th grade class during first period. It only got worse from there. 

Without getting into too much detail, two fellow co-workers pulled out the drawing board halfway through the day and devised a plan to come save me. With a flawless plan and expert tactics they rescued me. 

I don't think I've ever been rescued. I don't think I have ever been in a dire situation that I needed to be rescued from. But today I caught a glimpse of what it feels like to be rescued. To be taken from a place of hopelessness to a place full of life. There's nothing quite like it. And as I am thinking back to the happenings of the day, I think forward to tomorrow morning. 

Tomorrow morning I am running a race. Not just to run or to have fun or to hang out with a bunch of cool people; but to rescue. I am running to rescue women from sexual slavery. I am running for their lives. [www.r4tl.com]

If you've ever been rescued, you might have a tidbit of an idea of what you can do for these girls and women. You can help them leave hopelessness and fear and shame behind and lead them on to freedom and hope and life and laughter and JESUS. What better rescue could there be? 

If you can't participate tomorrow, there are many other things you can do to help the girls and women caught in sexual slavery. Visit these websites and become part of a rescue team: 
http://www.freedom424.org/
http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.houseofhopenicaragua.com/

October

"October gave a party; 

The leaves by hundreds came - 

The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples, 

And leaves of every name. 

The Sunshine spread a carpet, 

And everything was grand, 

Miss Weather led the dancing, 

Professor Wind the band."

George Cooper

i LOVE this month. it's the best.

and today is a spectacular day.

two special, special people were born on this day...

[^she took me to Wegmans for the first time!]

 Liz Bell: manager turned best friend. My friendship with her is unlike any other. She has taught me what it's like to passionately enjoy something, whether it's food or nail polish or family or Starbucks. We've laughed until we've cried countless times. I've seen her live out faith. She's one of the most beautiful girls I know, in every sense of the word. I am a better employee, college student, twenty-something girl, & Christ follower because I can call her a friend. I love her. 

Luke Crouthamel: cousin. The fact that this kid is family just leaves me feeling so blessed. Anyone who knows Luke knows that he is the man. Really. I respect him more than 9/10th of the guys I know. His pursuit of Jesus is undeniable, even in his every day decisions. He is fun and crazy, reminding me so much of the way my own brother used to be. I thank the Lord every opportunity I get for Luke and the relationship we have. I am a better cousin, daughter, sister, future girlfriend, intramural sports player, & PE teacher because he is my cousin and friend. I love him. 

I hope you celebrate birthdays. I hope you know the birthdays of the people in your life. And don't just acknowledge them on facebook. Send them a funny text, take them balloons, eat cupcakes with them, hug them until they can't breathe. Because birthdays are meant to be celebrated! People are meant to be celebrated!! :]

Jesus loves the little children...

The hoarseness of my voice has been a constant reminder for the last week and a half that I have very little patience with children. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. They bring joy and laughter to almost any situation. They sing and dance and say the darndest things. But when it comes to teaching them a skill (such as sliding or galloping) in PE class, they become wild little jumping beans who can't stay quiet. In the most strange way they become like magnets with each other, always hugging or pushing or just touching their classmates. At some points, I even think their ears have fallen off because not one, not a single one, has done what I have asked. More times than I can count I have stopped, closed my eyes, and called upon the name of Jesus. I say over and over, "Jesus, please give me patience," and, "Pleaseeeee help me to love these little hellions." 

I wish fairy dust would fall from the sky and cover me in patience when I pray that. I almost expect to have this sudden love for each of the children. But of course, none of that happens. I am still in a gym full of elementary students running and yelling and shoving. Probably because God doesn't want me to just ask for patience in my moments of annoyance. He wants to develop it in me so it lasts. He wants me to want more patience not so my job is easier but because He is patient with me. 

This, of course, didn't hit me until late last week. I was driving to school and in frustration kinda talking to God about how easily I get annoyed with the students. I blame some of it on not being a mom. I just don't have that mercy and grace that comes with being a mom. It annoys me when they cry and when they just stand there and don't want to participate. Then the Holy Spirit stepped in and reminded me of something: 

I was trying to get something that I already have access to. 

He loves children. He has infinite patience with youngsters. So the more I empty me of myself and let the Holy Spirit work through me the more patient I will be. 

My voice is still scratchy. And I still teach rowdy students. But the Holy Spirit helps me to laugh more. He gives me discernment as to when to stand there and wait for the students to get quiet instead of yelling and yelling until they listen. He's opened my eyes and now it's so easy for me to understand why all these children are so precious in His sight.

name tags

Wednesday nights I can be found at Blue Ridge Community Church talking about one of my least favorite things. Actually, I can easily say I hate it: divorce. I hate it because God hates it. I hate it because of the negative ways it has affected my life and the lives of people around me. "So why do you talk about it every Wednesday?" you may ask. Because talking about divorce can bring healing. Healing not just for myself but for middle schoolers and high schoolers. We talk about things like sadness & anger & loneliness & why it is not our faults. To open and address our wounds will more readily turn them into scars. And scars tell stories.

On these particular nights I have taken the role of name tag maker. When the kids come in I take a marker and jot their names on sticky labels. About halfway through the night we were all sitting in a big circle talking and something caught my eye. My handwriting was on a girl who is homeschooled who doesn't like religion. I turned to the right and saw my handwriting on a 16 yr. old boy who doesn't want to live. I looked on around the circle and saw my writing on numerous teenagers who I've only been around 3 or 4 times. And I realized that when they left, even though they took their name tags off, my mark would still be on them. And I couldn't help but ask myself what kind of mark I was leaving. 

I pray that I leave them with Jesus. That through my laughter and jokes they can see His joy. Through my stories and heartaches they can see His redemption & grace. I hope that through my awkward questions and comments they can feel His love and His relentless pursuit of them. Maybe just maybe when they leave that room on Wednesdays night they leave me and take Jesus. Because His name tag is the only one worth wearing anyways. 

lost in this moment with You

I've had a summer filled with moments. Not just any moments though. Let's be honest, I left mundane moments in the dust awhile ago (praise Jesus!). The moments that make up my summer are ones that fill my soul with inexpressible joy. They are moments that make me laugh until my stomach aches. Moments that go deep into my being and leave me changed for good. There's just one problem...I can't pinpoint any of these moments.


Like the moment I realized that moving to Maui could be a reality. Or the moment when my heart became so entangled with each person on our summer team. I wish I could remember the moments I came to know Jesus in deeper ways or the moment when I fell so deeply in love with Him. That moment when I realized that one of my best friends at camp was Lottie, an 8th grade girl who most people don't understand. Or the moment that the high school guys on my team became my strong pillars. I so wish I could take you to the place I became fearless and decided I would jump off every cliff I could in Maui. But I can't. I can't remember when or where all of the previous things happened. I can tell you stories about the effects of those moments and recount lots of memories. But the very time & place that these things happened in my heart is so blurry.


As I was thinking about this today I realized that the fact that I can't pinpoint these moments is actually a good thing. Otherwise I would spend the rest of my life trying to recreate them. If I knew that the moment I realized I could move to Maui was on a beach at Paia Bay with campers or at Anthony's drinking coffee then I'd idolize those places. If I knew that the CYMOH team became so dear to me when we prayed together and interlocked fingers I would lay in bed at night and so badly wish that I could be back in that moment. If I knew that Isaac, Cole, & Colby became some of my favorite guys when we were having a conversation about relationships over chicken patties at lunch I would spend countless hours wanting to drive back to West Virginia and take those boys to lunch. 


So because I can't remember the exact moments, I am forced to the one thing I am certain of in each moment. JESUS. I may not remember when I fell in love with Maui but I am certain that He is the one who fueled that passion inside of me. I may not know exactly when Lottie and I became best friends but I am confident that He planned our first conversation on the porch of Cabin 1. Realizing all of this makes me think back to the Tower of Babel. The story is told in the beginning of chapter 11 of Genesis and explains that the people of the earth decided to build a tower to the sky. God knew that it would just make them prideful and how it'd be a shame for humans to steal God's glory. So He saved them from further embarrassment and decided to disperse them throughout the world and give them all different languages (personally, I think that was a pretty cool idea). In the same way, I think if I could remember all these moments I'd take the credit from God. So He's just saving me from myself. And in return, giving me Himself. I'll take that switch any day. Cause I'm realizing that the moments that make up my adventurous life are ones He planned before I was born. & He's given them to me not for me, but for His glory.

So instead of writing post after post about specific things this summer, I guess I'm summing it all up into this one entry. I am telling you that Jesus has taken hold of my life. He is using moment after moment with countless people all over the world to show me more of Himself. & I will be one satisfied girl if I get to the end of my life and all I have left are moments filled with Jesus. 

Flipped upside down

"I know it sounds goofy, but I want to be like that Jeep. I want to leak from having been hit by Jesus. From having something crazy happen to me, something that flipped my life upside down. I've met people like that, people who leak Jesus. Whenever you're around them, Jesus keeps coming up with words and with actions. I don't suppose everybody gets hit by Jesus, but those of us who have talk about Him differently. We start steering funny; we start leaking where we stand. And it's because we got thrown from our lives in a terrific collision."

This is an excerpt from the book I just finished reading, Love Does (the book I mentioned in an earlier post about changing my life). I finally finished it yesterday while watching people get slammed by waves at Makenna Beach on Maui. I like this chapter because it talks about what it's like to know Jesus. Many people think they can call themselves Christians and pretend to know Jesus while they live the same lives as people who don't know Him. But like this chapter in the book explains, He flips our lives UPSIDE DOWN. It's radical. It's crazy. It means we do the opposite of what we think we should do (like love those who are mean to us and give not money or clothes but our very lives). 

I want to live an upside down life like Jesus did. I want to cause controversy and do things that other people think are reckless and crazy. Which is why I hopped on a plane last week and flew to Maui to surprise some of my favorite people. It didn't make a lot of sense for me to come...I got a job I was loving and spending time with some good friends. Coming here was a lot of money and time that I wasn't sure I had to give. But following Jesus involves getting up and going. While Jesus was ministering, He was always on the move...talking, loving, healing, preaching. And I felt it was time to get up and go, go back to a place I left my heart last summer. So even though it doesn't make sense to a lot of people or even to me sometimes, I know that I am here for such a time as this. And even though it isn't all cheese and rice...I know I am supposed to be here. 

So pray with me? Pray for this island. Pray for the children we have at our camps. Pray we give ourselves up like Jesus did for us. I'm hoping in these next few days I will be so tired and exhausted at night because I gave everything I have. I want Jesus to be famous. I want to show these youth that only in the presence of Jesus will they be made whole. And if they'll let Him, He'll come in and flip their lives upside down so they leak Him wherever they go.

I have a video of surprising the team...I've been trying for dayyyyys to upload it but the internet must not be good enough. So I cannot wait to get home and show you all! I'll be able to explain more about the surprise and my time here later, now we're just so busy. But feel free to call me or text me or message me on facebook if you have any questions or comments. Our team always loves encouragement from the mainland:)

Lessons from the treadwall

One of my favorite parts of my job is helping the kids climb the treadwall. It's basically a rock wall that moves like a lateral treadmill. My job is to stand on the side and turn the knob to faster or slower. The kids love it and some won't come off until I have to pull them off myself. One of the reasons they love it though is because I can make it go really really fast or I can slow it down. Today, I found myself repeating the same words over and over to each kid though. Most of them step on and look at me saying, "It's not moving! Why isn't this working?" I have to explain to them that I can't start the wall moving until they start climbing. So I just look at them and say, "Just keep climbing." I had to tell almost every child that today...that in order for me to do my job and make the wall move for them, they are the ones who have to keep climbing. 

At some point during my time at the treadwall today, I realized that the whole situation is so similar to my own life. My treadwall is life though, a daring adventure that's exciting and fun. I step on, ready for the challenge, and I look at God and say, "Why aren't You working? Aren't you supposed to tell me what to do and where to go? Get moving God!" It's like I sit there at the bottom and wait for God to make decisions for me and open up the skies and write on the wall. But lately I've been hearing Him whisper,"Jill, just keep climbing." Hopefully I'll catch on, one step at a time, so He doesn't have to repeat it over and over. 

big DREAMS

PHASE 1: seeing happy little families live for Jesus and wanting that for myself. 

Sometimes I get a little upset that God has put a desire in my heart to do big, unreasonable things for Him. The American dream seems so easy and fun. Wouldn't it be acceptable to live that kind of life for Christ? I mean, I'd go to church every Sunday and impact others in whatever job I had. I could marry a man who has a basic understand of His Word; enough to know that he should cherish me and lead our relationship. I could raise a cute little family, send them to a Christian school, go to all their sporting events, etc. I actually know lots of people who are doing that, and they're so good at it. Their lives are honoring to the Lord and it's a beautiful thing. So why in the world does my heart long for something more? 

PHASE 2: Learning that love does.

I started reading a book this week that I knew would change my life. I was so excited to buy it then I was actually apprehensive to start it because I knew it would ignite those dreams of mine again. I would read a chapter then set it down, not wanting to keep reading. But that heart of mine (& the Holy Spirit) kept pushing me to turn the pages, begging for me to take hold of my dreams and make them come to life. The introduction actually said that the author of the book was known for wrecking your American dream and helping you find your actual dream. Ok, God, I get it. The book is entitled Love Does and it is written by an eclectic west coast lawyer who never settled for the American dream. I'd love to explain the book to you but I just wouldn't even know where to begin. I've actually only made it through the ninth chapter (out of 31) and I'm already compelled to write this post...if that tells you anything of how much I've learned already. Let's suffice it to say that you should buy it, read it, take notes on it, embrace it, then change because of it. 

PHASE 3: Understanding that I have no choice.  

Yesterday I went to a church where the pastor was starting a new series on the book of Romans. He started out in the the first verse of the first chapter explaining what Paul meant when he said he was a bondservant, or slave, of Christ Jesus. The pastor explained it like this: a slave by definition is someone who is wholly subject to another, being forced to do something and having no choice to do otherwise. I realized that in the same way, I am subject to Christ and I must do what He wants me to do. Because He chose me and changed me, I am His servant and I cannot quit doing what He has for me. To chose to lay aside the dreams He has placed in my heart would not only mean leaving Christ behind, but it would also mean losing myself. And when I doubt if it's the right thing to do, I am reminded that as long as His name and His renown are the desires of my soul (Isaiah 26:8), He'll honor my decisions. In his book, Bob Goff reminded me that "maybe when we want to do something that is right and good, God places that desire deep in our hearts because He wants it for us and it honors Him."

Practically, I'm not sure what this looks like in my immediate future. I know that I wanna love big and save lives and use my relationships to show the world a little of what Jesus loving me is like. I'll be student teaching come August, but come December the world will be at my fingertips. I'm realizing that I'm not scared to go far, start big, or even fail a few times along the way. I am confident that my heart longs, and even aches, to fail at His dreams for me rather than to succeed at the ones I dreamed for myself.

I will go forward alone with my God, leaving all else behind. I will not lose sight of my dreams or of my Savior, because if I lose sight of my Savior, I will, in turn, lose myself. 

like a sponge

i'm soaking it all in.
Graduation is a short 25 days away and I was overwhelmed today by the inevitable...i'm gonna miss this place. So much so, Erin and I stayed after class sorting through boxes and boxes of PE equipment and taking orders from Dr. Farver...willingly! As bad as my head hurt from that polyurethane on the new floor and as hungry as I was from not eating lunch, we stayed until almost every box was emptied and flattened. And I hope I never forget it. The excitement of a new gym to teach in, the things we learned about what NOT to do when designing a new facility, the way Dr. Farver taught me how to tie a slip knot in all the drawstring bags, & the funny looks we gave each other when we couldn't even figure out what a lot of the equipment was supposed to be.

I have the best major. Most people think it's a joke. But the fact that obesity is an epidemic in our country is not a joke. The statistics saying that 1 in 3 girls will become pregnant before age 20 is not a joke. Teaching health and physical education to students is my passion, and I'm thankful for professors who have fueled that passion. I'm graduating from Liberty University in 25 days not just with a diploma, but with a family. People who were strangers 3 short years ago have become so precious to me.

So in the next few weeks if you see me out in the courtyard just staring off into space or sitting in "Schilling TWO" not doing a thing or taking pictures of random stuff on campus, don't worry...I'm just soaking it all in.

faith

I've been learning so much about faith recently. It's not a new concept to me, but I think I've only come to understand more of what it means in the last month or so. And let me tell you what, it's HARD. When I used to think of the word 'faith' i would picture it on a garden stone with flowers & butterflies, so sweet and innocent...something like the picture.

 But when I think about it now I envision something like the Criminal Minds episode where a bomb is strapped to a guy and he's just sitting there, sweating profusely, waiting as the seconds tick by, and Gideon has to choose at the last second whether to cut the blue or red cord. I only see that now because I've had a few...& continue to have...moments when I feel like the guy in the chair, nervous as all get out, most likely crying (cause i'm a girl & i'm emotional), afraid that my world is gonna blow up right in my face. But faith is having the confidence that God has a plan all along, whether the bomb goes off or not. And He doesn't even have to guess what to do next. He had it planned long before I even feel the bomb strapped onto me. 

*Faith is not just sitting, frozen in the chair, waiting though. It's helping the bomb squad figure out the right combination and asking for someone to call your boss and tell him you'll be a little late to work. God doesn't work on behalf of quitters, He works alongside those who won't quit...showing up in His own perfect timing.

I heard a couple weeks ago that faith is putting God in every fill-in-the-blank. In the margins of where I was taking notes I realized how true that was. This is what i wrote:

in a year from now, my...

home:____________________

lover:______________________

job:________________________

desires:______________________

I can't fill in any of the blanks. As a matter of fact, my top 3 choices would probably all end up being wrong. But He is all of those. I've heard home is where the heart is, so whenever I'm close with Him my heart will feel at home. He is my faithful lover, the only person who'll perfectly love me for my whole life. Whatever job I have, I'll do it for Him. And my heart will always desire more of Him. He knows all the other minor details. So in the mean time, I'm satisfied with just putting Him in all my blanks, having confidence that He'll come through whenever He wants. After all, I would hate for my life to be like the garden stone. I'd much rather my life resemble the adrenaline-releasing, potential explosiveness of bombs.