Home. I'm not one to get homesick but I can't help but miss my parents and really good friends that I was hanging out with before I left like Kara, Clayton, KC, Brandon, Craig, etc. I also really miss Blue Ridge, my church back home. I love this place and the opportunity I've been given. If I had the choice to go back home I would definitely pass it up and stay here. But being at home, playing volleyball, going to the pool, running every evening, laughing with friends...it's all predictable and fun. I miss that. And most of all I miss those people who understand me.
Uselessness. Maggie and I were assigned to paint a little overhang today. I spent the morning and afternoon on a ladder painting the tops of rafters...places no one will ever see. I felt useless, to say the least. I was dripping paint on the ground and the ladder was blowing with the wind. All I could think was why in the world am I doing this? No one would ever know if I painted that stuff up there or not. And all I have to show for it is paint in my hair that I still can't get out. It was extremely frustrating, but Maggie graciously reminded me that we had to remember that we came to do work for the Lord, not for man. After explaining (complaining) to Dayne the situation of painting stuff that no one will see a little later on he straight up asked me, "Who are you doing this for anyways, Jill?" I was (and still am) incredibly thankful for these two and their encouragement in that moment. If not for them, today would have felt completely useless.
Relationships. Two of our team members are dating, two others are dating people back home. It just seems like everyone around me has someone to brighten their day. I would love to have someone to call to gain strength from, someone who can tell me they care and they're praying for me. I know a lot of people are praying for me, and it means the world. I usually don't struggle with not having a someone but it's just another way the enemy has tried to defeat me today.
Guatemala. A little over a year ago I went to Guatemala with my brother and 8 other people. It was physically challenging and I thought I'd never go on another missions trip after I got bit by 439085427498 bugs and had to take Benadryl around the clock. Even though it was hard physically, I was surrounded by encouragers and people who I knew extremely well. Here it seems opposite- it's easy physically but mentally it's tough. So throughout the day my mind often wanders to the Waddell family and the rest of the team members from last year. It's true that you really don't know what you've got til it's gone...
As much as I hate feeling defeated, it is freeing. I can truly do nothing on my own. I've been praying for ways for God to show Himself powerful and how could He do that with me in the way?
I'm too weak, emotionally, to even get out of bed in the morning. So if you hear anything from me tomorrow please know this...the joy of the Lord truly is my strength, my only strength.
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